Blogging About Communication

Communication in Your Life

recent posts

  • IT’S A PROBLEM TO THINK AI IS YOUR FRIEND

    Having an AI friend can feel right. The AI is always available, doesn’t interrupt you, and remembers everything you say. And unlike a friend, AI won’t suggest it doesn’t have time for you right now, telling you that you’ll need to talk to it about what’s on your mind later. But here’s the rub: AI isn’t really your friend. This doesn’t mean chatting with an AI bot is automatically off limits. But should your “friendship” with an AI begin replacing human friendship, be on guard for complications.

    WHY IT CAN FEEL GOOD TO HAVE AN AI FRIEND

    Human friendship requires work. Real friends may misunderstand you or fail to text you back. They might disagree with you or become distracted. Chatbots are different. They converse whenever you want to. They offer you encouragement. They can simulate empathy. You know what they can’t do though? They can’t actually experience concern, affection, loyalty or that magic word, friendship. They are not good substitutes for the emotional support that one human can provide to another.

    WHAT IF THE AI BECOMES A REPLACEMENT?

    Imagine someone who feels anxious about meeting others. If they turn to AI when they want to talk instead of to a person, they actually can find it increasingly harder to engage in person-to-person interaction. Why?  Because they get out of practice, potentially increasing their feelings of anxiousness and depression. AI can make you feel connected, but without delivering mutual care and actual belonging, where does that connection take you?

    IT’S BETTER TO MAKE AI THE WINGMAN, NOT YOUR BFF

    Use AI to practice turning towards people, not away from them. Use it to rehearse introducing yourself to someone, practice making small-talk, and coming up with questions you might ask to deepen a friendship. Then turn off the AI, and seek the company of an actual human being.

    ACTION PLAN

    For three days, keep track of the times you turn to AI for companionship or personal advice.  Match each AI conversation with a person-to-person interaction. For example, if you ask AI for relationship advice, ask a trusted friend for their perspective too. If you rehearse a conversation with AI, have the real conversation with a person. At the end of three days, consider which of the conversations made you feel genuinely connected afterward. Connection becomes meaningful when two individuals gradually learn how to respond to one another. And that’s a very human skill!

  • HOW TO “WORK THE ROOM”

    WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE YOU’’RE WORKING THE ROOM

    You’re about enter a reception, conference, networking, or campus event. People are already talking. Some of those present seem to know everyone. You know three people: the person who invited you, the person at the welcome table, and you. Although the phrase “work the room” can seem calculating, as if your mission was to collect contacts, working the room is actually about starting conversations, making others feel comfortable, and creating connections—and to do this without screens. Here’s how.

    Don’t Merely Walk In, ARRIVE!

    Enter the room without a phone in your hand. Give the room your full attention. Look around. Make eye-contact. Notice who’s there. Your goal is to meet three people you don’t already know. Instead of asking yourself, “Who should I meet?” ask yourself, “Who can I make feel welcome?” Approach someone standing alone, someone who’s also just entered, or a small group and introduce yourself.

    Never Start With, “So, What Do You Do?

    It’s such a predictable question. Instead, use conversation probes: “How do you know the host?” “What brings you here tonight?” “What are you working on or involved with that you’re excited about?

    Rely on the 40/60 Rule and Nonverbal Cues

    Be sure to listen more than you speak. Speak about 40 percent of the time. Listen at least 60 percent of the time. Ask a question. Digest the answer. Ask a follow-up question. Repeat. Face each person you’re with. Maintain comfortable eye-contact. Display an open posture.

    Become a Connector

    Let’s say you meet Wally who’s interested in environmental issues. Then you come across Joanne who’s working on a sustainability project. Connect them. Don’t work the work, but help the room work. Make a useful introduction and others will remember you.

    Transition Gracefully

    When it’s time to move on, don’t make an excuse, but excuse yourself saying, “I’ve really enjoyed talking to you. I’m going to circulate a bit, but I’m really glad we’ve met.” Follow up with “Let’s stay in touch.” Working a room isn’t about dominating the room. It is about making the room easier for other people to enjoy.

    ACTION PLAN

    At the next campus, work, or community event you attend, challenge yourself to make three new connections. For each person:

    Open without asking, “What do you do?”

    Discover one interesting thing about the person by asking a follow-up question.

    Connect by looking for someone you share in common or finding someone else who shares the same interest

    Exit without merely drifting away

    Follow up by suggesting another opportunity to continue the discussion or within 24 hours sending the person a message referring to something you chatted about.

  • USE AI TO CLARIFY, NOT COMPLICATE, COMMUNICATION

    AI can help to clarify or complicate your interpersonal communication. Turn towards it if you need help communicating better. Turn away from it when you find it makes the situation more complicated.

    AI CAN BE YOUR COMMUNICATION COACH

    Wouldn’t it be nice to have a communication coach review a message before you sent it? Wouldn’t it be helpful if your coach advised you to “rethink” your message’s wording and/or timing? AI can help you consider how your words might sound to someone else. For example, before sending an angry message, you might turn to AI for suggestions on how to transmit the message without sounding accusatory. Consulting AI could help you slow down and consider your message’s impact before you press “send.”

    SEE THE OTHER SIDE

    Perspective taking or understanding an interaction from someone else’s point of view, is one of the hardest communication skills to master. For instance, let’s say your friend has not responded to a message you sent them marked “Urgent.”  You could ask AI to come up with five possible explanations for their behavior. AI might suggest they were overwhelmed, busy, meant to respond but forgot to push send, or had something else happen that had nothing to do with you. Although AI doesn’t know which explanation is correct, it can remind you that your first interpretation isn’t the only interpretation.

    YOU’RE HUMAN, AI IS NOT

    If AI writes your apology, your expression of love, your response to a friend’s bad day, at some point your friend might ask themselves: Am I communicating with a machine? Relationships require authenticity. There’s a big difference between asking AI for assistance and having it do your work. Use AI as a coach, not as a substitute. Also know when not to use it. Before consulting AI ask: “Do I need help communicating, or do I need to communicate?” The best prompt may be one you ask another person, rather than AI.

    ACTION PLAN

    Come up with a real, but low-risk interpersonal situation such as deciding to decline an invitation, asking a partner to clean up after themselves, or disagreeing with a friend. First, write the message yourself. Then give the situation to AI, with this prompt: “Suggest a message that is clear, respectful, empathic, and authentic.” Compare your version with AI’s version. Consider what AI improved and what it made worse? Then develop a third version that combines AI’s useful suggestions with your authentic voice. The goal isn’t to use AI to communicate for you, but to use AI to become a more thoughtful communicator.

  • DO WORK COLLEAGUES SEE YOU AS A LEADER?

    Here’s some good news. There’s no corner office, title, or permission needed to demonstrate your leadership abilities to others. In fact, one of the best ways to be given more leadership responsibilities at work is to start performing like someone who can handle it.

    STEP IN TO STEP UP

    Which employee are you?  The employee who sees a problem and says, “Somebody should do something about this,” or the employee who says, “I can help.” Consider the following two situations and their possible solutions: Situation 1:  Weekly meetings you attend always run overtime. A future leader might suggest a lighter agenda. Situation 2: A co-worker confides in you that they’re feeling overwhelmed. A future leader might offer them assistance without their asking for help. Leaders don’t just see problems. They see solutions.

    MAKE OTHERS BETTER

    Leadership isn’t about proving yourself the smartest person in the room. It’s about making others in the room smarter. To be perceived as a leader, share useful information with colleagues. Give credit to co-workers when they contribute ideas. Help new hires learn the ropes without making them feel clueless. People notice who goes out of their way to make their job and life easier.

    BE THE PERSON OTHERS CAN COUNT ON

    To show that there’s a leader in you, do what you say you will do. Meet deadlines. Show up prepared. Admit a mistake rather than offering an excuse. People who are reliable get handed more responsibility.

    SPEAK UP BUT DON’T TRY AND TAKE OVER

    Potential leaders contribute ideas, ask thoughtful questions, and respectfully challenge assumptions. There’s a difference, however, between having a voice, and being the voice. Feel things out by saying, “What if we tried this,” rather than pushing a position, insisting, “This is what we should do.” Instead of defending your idea, ask, “What am I missing?” Leaders are confident and curious.

    DON’T WAIT TO BE “ANNOINTED”

    Leadership is a pattern of behavior before it’s a position. Take initiative. Communicate constructively. Keep your cool. Solve small problems. Support others. Follow through. Acting like a leader will naturally make your name part of the leadership conversation.

    ACTION PLAN

    For the next week, without telling anyone, make each day a leadership audition.

    Monday, identify a problem and propose a solution.

    Tuesday, help a colleague succeed or recognize another’s contribution.

    Wednesday, speak up with an idea or thoughtful question.

    Thursday, assume responsibility for something without being asked.

    Friday, ask yourself: If management had been watching me this week, what evidence would I have provided them that I’m ready for more responsibility?

  • LEARNING TO DEBATE IS A GAME CHANGER FOR CAREER AND RELATIONSHIPS

    Too often, the word debate brings to mind images of politicians interrupting one another, shouting matches between family members, or arguments about work policies. The truth is, however, that learning to debate can help you think more clearly, listen better, disagree respectfully, and make a convincing case. These are skills that happen to be pretty useful whether you’re seated in a conference room at work or at a kitchen table.

    DISAGREEMENT IS A START NOT THE END

    We can debate our way to a stronger relationship and career. Sooner or later, we all find ourselves disagreeing with a colleague, friend, partner, or relative. Debate shows us how to challenge an idea without attacking the person who holds it. Instead of saying, “You’re making absolutely no sense,” say, “Here’s why I see it differently.” Small shifts like that keep disagreement from escalating, helping to preserve the relationship even if no one changes their mind.

    IMPATIENT? SPEND THE TIME LISTENING

    Effective debates don’t just wait impatiently to speak. They spend their non-speaking time listening for the reasons behind the other person’s position. Listening provides the superglue in our relationships. When others realize that you actually understand them, your agreement is not a requirement.

    MAKE YOUR CASE, NOT A SCENE

    Whether at work or on a date, we’re constantly making arguments, even if we don’t call them that:

                Let’s try this approach.

                I’m ready for this change.

                Here’s why my idea deserves a chance.

    Knowing how to support a claim with evidence and sound reasoning makes us more persuasive and credible. “Because I say so” rarely wins the day.

    CHALLENGE, WITHOUT ATTACKING

    Stop looking at disagreement as if it were a personal attack. Instead of becoming defensive when someone disagrees with us, stimulate your curiosity and seek to discover why they disagree with you. Might they have a point? Is there something you’re missing? You just might not only discover you were wrong, but you might actually admit you were wrong. Instead of reacting, defending, and escalating, you listened, you thought about it, and you responded. That could turn out to be your ultimate communication achievement—emotional intelligence in action.

    ACTION PLAN

    It’s time to play switch-a-roo. Choose an issue that you and a friend, colleague, or partner disagree with such as working from home, tipping, whether meetings should ever last more than 30 minutes. Take two minutes to argue your position. Then switch. For the next two minutes, make the strongest possible case for the other person’s position. After that ask each other this question: What do you now understand about my position that you didn’t understand before?  The goal of learning to debate isn’t to win every argument. It is to become someone who can disagree, think, listen, persuade, and still have a relationship with the debate ends.

  • BUILD YOUR RELATIONSHIPS PLAYING JACKS

    Let’s play jacks! Taking turns, players throw a handful of jacks out on a flat surface, toss a tiny ball in the air, scoop up one, two, three or more metal jacks (depending on the number of turns they have), and attempt to catch the ball before it bounces. The game requires concentration, coordination, and resilience—the ability to recover when things go wrong, you miss the ball, lose your turn, and need to wait until you get another chance. This childhood game is pretty good training for sustaining personal and professional relationships.

    YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE THE PIECES WILL FALL

    In jacks, the pieces rarely land where you want them to. It’s like that in life too. We have to adjust to what’s in front of us, making flexibility a benefit. Friends, family members, co-workers, partners rarely respond as we want them to. We need to be able to adapt and compensate.

    WHEN YOU DROP THE BALL, IT’S ANOTHER PLAYER’S TURN

    When you miss, someone else picks up the ball and goes after the jacks. Life’s like that too. Conversations thrive on turn-taking. One person doesn’t get to talk endlessly. Human interaction is an endless game we all need to play together.

    BAD BOUNCES ARE BOUND TO OCCUR

    In jacks as in daily interactions, we need to give ourselves and others the opportunity to recover. Rather than assuming the worst, recognize that whatever just happened, it’s not the end of the world. Here’s where resilience and patience comes in. Sometimes, it’s not winning all the time, but surrendering when you lose, that makes the difference in how a relationship develops. Conceding points is part of arguing and growth. Is harping about something until the other person gives in, damaging your relationship, a good prize? We hardly think so. Sometimes, the real win is to know when to surrender.

    ACTION PLAN—NO JACKS REQUIRED

    Choose one conversation you’re engaged in today. Imagine there’s a rubber ball bouncing between you and the other person. Your goal is to keep it in play, not hog it and control it.

    Adapt to the other person’s conversational style. Pick up one imaginary jack at a time. If a disagreement surfaces, stick to the issue, rather than introduce other points of contention as a distractor. Ask at least one question to try and understand the other’s perspective. Try harder to connect than to control, and you’ll be able to pick the pieces up and continue playing.

  • WE PLAY TIC-TAC-TOE EVERY DAY!

    It’s likely that we all have played tic-tac-toe—and most of us are still playing it—whether we realize it or not. Nine small squares. A mix of X’s and O’s. The game is so versatile, it’s often played on a napkin. It’s also extremely predictable. So, once you know what you’re doing, it becomes extremely difficult for anyone to win. It turns out, the game we probably started playing in childhood has quite a bit to teach us communication and relationships. So, pick up a pencil and choose your symbol, X or O?

    Your Focus isn’t Yourself

    We can’t be successful at playing tic-tac-toe if we focus only on our own X’s. We have to pay attention to the O’s too.. Relationships work the same way. Too often, our focus is on what we want to say, prove, or accomplish. We stop paying attention to the other person or the O’s. What are they saying? What are they hoping will happen? What are they feeling? To communicate effectively, you have to focus on the whole board before playing your move.

    Relationships are Not Contests

    Sure, the object of playing tic-tac-toe is to win. But that’s not the object of a relationship—which is to understand one another better.  That’s why as you master the game of tic-tac-toe, draws outpace wins. It’s no longer about getting those 3 x’s in a row, proving a point, or winning an argument. It’s about being equals. Ending in a draw can be better than winning.

    Anticipation, Not Reaction

    Tic-Tac-Toe players think ahead. “If I go here, what’s their next move?” That’s also good relationship playing. Always consider where your next move is likely to take you. Maybe it’s better not to chime in with a sarcastic comment. If you think a move ahead, you can prevent a lot of problems.

    ACTION PLAN

    Draw a tic-tac-toe board. Only instead of filling the squares with X’s and O’s, fill it with helpful communication behaviors like these: (1) Don’t interrupt. (2) Offer a compliment. (3) Ask the other person for their opinion. (4) Share something the other person wouldn’t know about you. (5) Ask the other person what’s important to them. (6) Express appreciation. (7) Apologize. (8) Express what you’re feeling.  (9) Let the other person have the last word. Then, during the next week see how many squares you can achieve. Even better, complete the whole board.

  • THIS CHILDHOOD GAME OFFERS GROWN-UP LESSONS

    PICK-UP STICKS: Kids sit around a table or on the floor. A colorful pile of skinny sticks gets dumped onto the surface. The player’s task is to remove them one at a time, without disturbing any of the other sticks. It was easy to do, right? Not so much. One careless move and more than one stick shifted. Your turn ended. All the other players chuckled knowing you should have studied the layout and gone for the yellow stick instead. Relationships, like piles of pick-up sticks, are interconnected and need to be approached with care. Your interaction with another person is likely to suffer if you move in to take something without thinking first.

    LOOK BEFORE MAKING A MOVE

    The best pick-up sticks players rarely dived right into the pile. They studied it first. Which sticks were free? Which were trapped? What would happen if this blue one moves? That’s also a pretty good strategy when it comes to human interaction. Before jumping into a conversation, disagreement, meeting, or delicate encounter, observe the participants and the situation. Notice what’s happening around you. Pick up on nonverbal clues. What’s the mood? Is this the best moment to bring something up?

    EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH HAS AN EFFECT

    The stick you wanted to pick up usually wasn’t the only one you would affect. It’s the same with relationships. Words and actions have ripple effects. A wrong move can change everything. There’s a big difference between a sarcastic comment and a compliment. Everything we say and do affects how people react and what happens next. Before speaking or acting, consider not only your intention but also the potential impact of your words and actions.

    THE SMARTEST MOVE MAY BE TO WAIT

    There’s always that one stick we wanted to go for, wasn’t there? But it was buried under a pile of other sticks. If you went for it too soon and you’d be flirting with disaster. Human interaction also requires timing. Difficult conversations, critiques, requests, and advice work better when we consider if the other person is ready to receive them. Waiting is not avoidance; it’s a strategy.

    GENTLE OUTPERFORMS FORCEFUL

    Great players didn’t muscle their way through Pick-up sticks. The lesson? Don’t be a heavy-handed communicator. People withdraw or attack when they feel pushed, embarrassed or controlled. Questions are better than suggestions. Demonstrating curiosity accomplishes more: “Tell me about why you see it that way,”  is far more effective than saying “You’re wrong.”

    SMALL MOVES CAN CHANGE THE ENTIRE PICTURE

    The pile changed with the removal of each stick. So, will relationships. One thoughtful move can reduce tension and make the other person feel safe enough to be honest. A single act of kindness can improve the direction of an interaction. One small thoughtful move can make all the difference.

    ACTION PLAN

    Get together with a few others. Find a set of Pick-Up Sticks or improvise a game using coffee-stirrers, straws, toothpicks, or similar objects. Play a few rounds, but before a move, the player whose turn it is must answer a question:

    What are you noticing before you make your move?

    What else could be affected by your choice?

    Why are you choosing this stick now?

    Might waiting make the move you’re contemplating easier?

    How gently can you accomplish your goal?

    Once the game is over, ask yourself: What’s one small move I can make to improve my interaction with _________ today? Whatever you next move is, make it a thoughtful and careful one.

  • HOPSCOTCH AND RELATIONSHIP BUILDING

    Remember playing the game of hopscotch? All that was needed was a piece of chalk, a small rock, and a stretch of sidewalk, and we were occupied for hours. After drawing the hopscotch court, we’d simply toss the marker, hop from square to square, wobble on one foot, and then begin anew after we stepped on a line or landed on the wrong spot. Fast forward to today. As it turns out, playing hopscotch taught us a number of relationship lessons.

    Every Relationship Begins at Square 1

    You don’t win hopscotch by jumping straight to the last square. You begin by targeting the first square. Relationships work the same way. Whether you’re making a new friend, joining a new workplace team, or getting to know a neighbor, trust grows with each right step. It’s with small consistent actions that we build acquaintanceships into meaningful relationships. The first time you say, ”hi there” to someone you just met may seem insignificant, but it’s the square that gets things started.

    Balance Trumps Quickness

    Playing hopscotch taught us that maintaining our balance was more important than our speed. Relationships benefit from balance too. Giving and receiving need to be in sync. Knowing when to offer advice and when to simply be present, when to speak and when to listen, are skills we pick up by practicing. Sometimes the strongest relationship skill is knowing how to keep your footing when you or another person are having a difficult day.

    We All Land on Lines

    Even the foot of the best hopscotch player occasionally would come down on a line. Sometimes we stomp on relationship lines too. We say the wrong thing. We interrupt when we should be paying attention. We send a text that’s harsher than we meant it to be. None of us is perfect. But we can recover. When we missed a square in hopscotch, we kept on going. We picked up the rock, laughed it off, and tried again.

    We Take Turns

    Playing hopscotch taught us to be patient. When it was one player’s turn, the rest of us would watch, cheer them on, celebrate their successes, and wait for our turn to come. Waiting your turn isn’t passive. Along with encouraging others when they miss, it’s one of the most important acts of respect you can offer another person. Relationships aren’t races to the finish line. They are about offering others our support and learning from our missteps.

    Action Plan

    Draw a hopscotch board on a piece of paper. Write one relationship building act in each square. For example:

    *Smile first

    *Ask a thoughtful question

    *Listen without interjecting

    *Express encouragement

    *Offer help without it being requested

    As you consider each square, choose a person to practice that skill with this week. Keep a record of how people respond. In short order, you’ll notice how your relationships are beginning to feel different.

  • JUMP IN

    Remember playing jump rope growing up? It turns out you were doing a lot more than exercising. You were also learning timing, trust, teamwork, resilience, encouragement, and coordination, the same skills we rely on to help us navigate our friendships and professional relationships. Yup! Playing jump rope wasn’t just about timing your leap. It was also about paying attention, trusting others, adapting when things changed, and getting back up when you missed and got tangled up in the rope.

    It’s a Matter of Timing

    Think back to what it was like trying to jump into a turning rope? Jumping in at the wrong moment usually ended up badly. Success depended on observing and choosing the right moment to act. It’s the same thing with person-to-person relationships—in life and at work. Timing determines if others will respond to a message favorably or be resistant. The right message delivered at the wrong time can be just as ineffective as delivering the wrong message. Whether it’s pitching another an idea or offering feedback, timing affects the outcome. Sometimes the smart strategy is simply to wait a few more turns of the rope.

    No one Spins the Rope Alone

    It takes two people to turn both ends of the rope in a game of jump rope. Double Dutch champions make it look easy, but to do the job right, the rope turners have to maintain an even rhythm, the jumpers need to trust them, and everyone playing needs to adjust together when something changes. If one rope turner speeds up unexpectedly, or stops turning, the rhythm falls apart. Relationships and organizations work similarly. Everyone depends on everyone else. Communication is the rope connecting all the players.

    Feel the Rhythm Before Jumping In

    Don’t attempt to change things until you understand things. Just like watching a jump rope before stepping in, to be successful at interacting in personal and professional relationships, find out how people make decisions, gauge their willingness to collaborate, and understand the rhythm at which they move.

    A Mistake Doesn’t End the Game

    Missed your jump into the rope as a kid? You laughed, moved to the end of the line, and waited for another turn. Imagine if relationships worked the same way. Instead of assigning blame when someone errs, encourage learning, adjusting, and trying again. No one becomes a champion at jump rope before getting entangled in the rope a few times. Success isn’t a solo performance. It depends on everyone making an effort.

    ACTION PLAN

    Work with one or more friends or co-workers to answer these questions:

    • When has poor timing made communication between you less effective?
    • What can each of you do to help maintain a steady rhythm?
    • How do you each respond should one of you “miss the rope” and make a mistake?
    • What is one thing you could do, or one change you could make this week, to help the other person “jump in” more successfully?